It’s already early in the morning and I can’t sleep.

While I was horny af and had to get off to crappy porn videos, I remembered tumblr and the thought that most of my post might be deleted crossed my mind.

Tumblr has been a safe place for me for so long. A safe place, but also a place where my loneliness felt many times greater than it was.

I have made precious friends in this website. I don’t talk to them to this day, but the memories of our chats and how warm they made me feel inside fills me with the feeling that the years spend here were worth it.

And it made me miss 2012/2013 so much. My blogs, my small and simple problems, my barely 18 years old self making plans. The butterflies in my stomach telling me about a fast approaching dream.

I miss having a goal. I miss having a safe place. I miss tumblr, although I won’t deny that when I grew out of this website I felt like a huge burden was lift from my back. But I could never really grow out of it completely - could never delete its app from my phone. I always come here when I feel too much. Because like once I understood you guys, you guys understand me.

I don’t know what exactly I’m writing right now. I’ve been feeling nostalgic and I’m not quite sure of the decisions I’ve made in my life. I may or may not regret leaving japan and coming back come. I may or may not regret being a very prude girl. I miss having goals. I miss the butterflies announcing a fast approaching dream.

Hey there

It’s been an awfully long time and it seems like I only ever use tumblr to complain abt stuff these days
And it’s true
I’ve made wonderful friends in this website but i feel like it’s a place for sad people, and, well, now I’m sad. I don’t have anyone to talk to irl about this so I’m gonna go and make a really long post about it I guess, and hopefully one of the thousands followers I still have will take their time to read. It’s ok if no one does too, you know. It’s like they say - sometimes just writing things down makes it better.

So I’m in a relationship about nearly 7 months now. We are a nice couple and we fight sometimes but generally we are just happy about being together and having found a comfy place in someone’s else. I’m 22 and he’s 24 and we don’t know much abt life. He’s my first bf and I’m his first gf so we learn together and we don’t really make any plans for the future other than attempt to plan some trips.

My mom hates it. He’s dyslexic, has tdah. He does poorly at college and has trouble reading and writing uncommon words sometimes. My mom makes my life a living hell bcs of that. Bcs she thinks I’m too good to be with someone like him, because she’s afraid we’ll marry and have dyslexic kids and that I’ll be the one financially supporting the family. It’s stupid bcs we are kids at heart and almost at age too - we don’t plan anything, we are just happy together for now. But she keeps talking, saying about how much of a lame guy he is, even tho he treats me like a princess and is abou the only person with enough empathy to make me feel like I’m worthy something. She puts me down, she puts him down, she always makes bad comments abt him and, when I get angry and say something back, pretends I’m the bad kid. Everyday I have to deal with, “go live with him then” “go to your new family” “yeah I’m the bad mom his mom is the best right” and I’m like ??? Idc abt his family and I never even said anything of the sort to you so I don’t get it??

It’s making me so tired
It’s making me so sad all I do these days is lay in bed and cry

I think it’s not gonna work out.
Math and I, I mean.

He’s nothing like I ever wanted - or he’s everything I’ve ever dreamt of, but nothing of what I found out I need. I’ve always wanted someone who granted my wishes and was willing to see me everyday. But it doesn’t work for me as I thought it would. I hate being the one in charge, the one who has to point out when and where we are going, how we doing things. Why it’s always what I want, but only when we want the same things? You ask me what I want as we are naked and I’m dripping on your fingers, but you never ask me what I want as you say we are heading some of your friends house. It’s always like that. It’s never us, only us - it’s always your friends and us and to be honest I don’t particularly mind it (because I actually love all the people you introduced me, thank you), but sometimes I want it to be us. We are always rushing. We rush during week days to make our schedules meet just so we can ride a fucking bus home together. Just so I can kiss you hello and hug you as we wait in the bus stop. We rush. In the weekends we always have appointments I don’t remember making or agreeing to. We go have lunch with your girl friends, we go to carnival parties with your squad. We have a thousand birthday parties of people I never ever heard of, and we are barely ever together. Then when we are finally alone, on those last 3 hours I’m allowed out of home, it’s a frenesi of having to have sex - or having your dick on me, because it’s just like that: you get hard you fuck me you come you turn around and go back to something else. And I’m not even complaining about your lack of will for doing something for me in bed, I’m just complaining about you being reluctant when I try to kiss you afterwards, about you turning to your phone instead of holding me. Dismissing me when I say I just want lay with you for a while, saying that you wanna watch Netflix instead. You wanna Netflix when I’m there, but when I ask you to bring me home you sleep instead. Idk.

I just wanna spend time with you. I miss going somewhere stupid and siting for hours just talking. I miss the walks in the park, I miss we chats and the cuddling. I don’t wanna this rushed thing. I don’t wanna being in charge of the things I am, I want my opinions to matter in the stuff you never consult me about.

I wish you knew how I feel, and I wish you could listen to me when I say. I’m not complaining because I’m annoying and just wanna have an argument. It’s because I love you and I want things to work out. I want you to know that for me quality time with you is important. That I’d rather not see you everyday in the week but get to enjoy your presence in the weekend. That sometimes I don’t wanna have sex, I just wanna kiss you and hold you and breathe you in. That sometimes I’m just fragile and I want to be loved.

Because i love you.

Idk like it’s been a while since I last rambled abt my life so it’s 4:46 am and I’m peeing (more like I’m sitting at on the toilet but not really peeing anymore) and I just went to a love hotel for the first time in my short life.

Maybe I failed on update those notes abt my life and didn’t mention I’m a relationship now. Yes, one month and a half before I was crying in despair because the love of my life didn’t love me as much, but 2017 bought me a prince in a white horse and much love. If at first I didn’t believe he could be something other than a make out session at New Years, his insistence on taking me out and introducing me his friends and his family has proven me he was seriously into it, and so exactly one month after our infamous meeting, we assumed it to be a real serious relationship.

I’m a girlfriend tm for all of 11 days and I don’t really know if I know how to deal with things, but here I am. Maybe it would be fortunate to also point out that although we did have a brief short trip to the guest room when we met, our 1 month and 11 days of dating involved no more than a blowjob in the bathroom - because we had no privacy, although the wanting was there all along.

TBH I was gonna relate my whole experience but I just erased everything that I wrote so I just wanted to note something.

For my future self, when I re read this: know he was the right choice. When you ever think he was not, know he was. He is everything I girl could want and he was everything you needed. He was the right choice.

Do you sometimes face so much shit in your life at once that when something seems to be going fine you get worried sick something will fuck it up?

Idk I just get this feeling sometimes that I was not made to be loved and not made to be with someone. Like I’m just a giant fuckup that people put up with for lack of choice and that I always somehow push people away. Some part of my brain acknowledges that actually people just leave and that sometimes the one pushed away is me but the bigger, irrational part of it insists on yelling at me “nobody likes you nobody will ever like you because you are difficult to get along with and nobody will be willing to stay”, and although I know that’s not something I should actively believe in, I just do.

Like I’ve been told several times I’ve got a bad personality and I don’t think so but even my mom says so so it must be true. Even when I was in love and tried to make everything right all I ever did was push him away and fuck things up more and more until all that was left was my own despair and sadness and it felt like it would never end and if I already was insecure before all that shit now I can barely trust myself to meet new people.

And that’s terrifies me. I don’t wanna be afraid of loving and I don’t wanna believe I’m hard to love, but somehow I find myself in this shithole. I’m going out with this one boy for one month now and everything’s good - perfect even, but I can’t help but never trust enough. I’m starving for love and affection and attention and it’s pathetic but whenever he can’t see me I’m so frustrated I could just cry. I know he’s not seeing anyone else but my mind goes crazy and I think about all the what ifs scenery bcs why would he chose to be with someone like me anyway? He’s good looking and he’s nice and has money and then there’s me and I’m not even pretty or thin and sometimes I’m too lazy to dress up nicely and I’ve got a bad personality. I’m insecure and I get attached too easily and I drain people and always fuck up. So everything’s fine so far but then what? What will happen to fuck this up? This is a perverse thought much like Allan Poe used to note bcs the more I think about it the more I believe I will fuck up and by doing so all that’s left for me is to do it.

So when will I fuck up? What will I fuck up? When will this boy finds another much better girl? When will he realize putting up with me is draining and that I’m annoying and when will he text me a good bye and just forget about me like everyone else just does? When will he leave and leave me shattered?

I wish I could be one of those people that know how to love someone properly without giving them their souls. But I’m a giver and one of the worst - I give people everything I can give and I’m weak and put my happiness on their hands. And I always fuck up.

Sighs

margothsheart:

by Haenuli Shin

dorkintheflask:

I love the tumblr app. The way it just [clenches fist] [app crashes]

beyoncebeytwice:

how does this website get worse every day

I dreamt about you again
Every time the dream is more blurred than the last and this time around we were traveling together again after a long time of no talking at all. We were visiting my friends in Japan and we went out to eat at some family restaurant as usual. You sat by my side, we ate without barely talking and ordered desert. Me and my friends played around about me eating too much, you were quiet about it. You ordered the same as me. I talked too much to fill the silence. You ate without saying anything but at some point rested your hand on my knee as you used to do.

Sometimes then single memory of a little thing involving you is enough to make my heart clench, but then I remember you were an asshole though it all.